Clear Head...

Hi Mom,

I decided to walk around the park today while C was at practice. When she first made the team I knew we would be here a couple of times a week and told myself I should walk to get some exercise, and maybe lose some weight in the process. Well, I stopped because I felt it was doing anything to help. I don't know yet if I was wrong but todays walk got me thinking a little clearer.

The walk around was perfect. Perfect temperature, perfect breeze, perfect sky, perfect music. I was listening to my favorite composer. The breeze was making the trees and moss flow in sync with the music. I wasn't even looking at the sidewalk. I watched what was happening around me.

The crisp white clouds above looked like waves in the gulf, gently making their way across the light blue sky. It reminded me of when you would go outside for no reason other than to be outside. Sometimes I went to the window to watch you. I didn't understand like I do now, why you did that. At the time I figured you just needed some time away from an argument or something. Now I realize it's not always because of an argument. Sometimes it's because you needed the time to refresh your mind.

My walk was refreshing. My mind cleared from all the stuff I didn't do today. Cleared from all the crap that I use to knock myself down. It was mildly invigorating, and I will try to make myself walk more. You know what, I am not going to "try", I am going to do it. I say this kind of thing to myself all the time, but don't actually "do".

I made this site, and I haven't been doing this either. I have to. For me. For someone out there who needs to know they aren't alone in their grief, loneliness and guilt.

Needless to say, the "clear"mindedness I had at the park left as soon as I walked into my house. It was Mom this and Mom that every minute. Trying to see who had eaten, showered and finished their homework. Laundry still needed to be folded, dishes needed to be cleaned, etc. You know, typical mom stuff.

I don't know how you did it. I wasn't a terrible kid, but I wasn't a saint. I know I didn't make it easy for you or dad. I gotta say you were the saint. Having to deal with my brother and I, with our two very different, very stubborn, personalities. I am sorry for being a shit. I love you and should've said it more, should've shown you.

I only remember you yelling at us once. We were in the car, my brother and I were in the back seat bickering about something stupid I'm sure. You had just finished work and we were heading home. I don't know where dad was. You must've had a hard day because not only did you yell at us, you swore at us for the first time! We were both so shocked we stopped talking and didn't say a word till later that night. That is the only time I remember you ever raising your voice to us or anyone.

Because of your example, I try so hard not to get mad or yell at my kids. But it is so hard sometimes. They either don't hear me and I have to repeat myself over and over again, or don't believe me and then I feel stupid, or are just showing how much like me they are, stubborn as shit, lol. Whatever the reason, I yell and then I am usually the one making it worse and end up having to apologize for my over reacting. Ugh. The wonderful life of being a mom. Besides having to apologize I get to forever have the look on their faces embedded in my memory. Either terrified or angry. I can only hope that they don't remember my face, but deep down I know they also will have the memory.

While on the topic of yelling, I remember the first time my oldest, A, got yelled at. It wasn't even me who did the yelling. I remember thinking how I didn't want it to happen ever again, and how I was never, ever going to yell at her or any of our future kids...little did I know. Now with all the crap going on in my head, I have been yelling even more. C told me the other day she didn't like how things were in the house lately. I believe she meant me and how I have been acting. My actions are causing a ripple affect through the house and it needs to stop. But only I can stop it. Only I can change my attitude. Only I can make this stop. Seriously, when will I?

Thinking too much,

Your Daughter

#alzsucks #alzheimers #dementia #youarenotalone