Mother's Day

Hey Mom,

Sooooo many things to unpack here. I am going to try to get through all of it, so be patient. Funny, where are you going to go? Morbid, I know. Moving on.

First, Mother's day was a few weeks ago. I never know how to act, what to do, where to go, etc. Hubs usually takes the girls to Grandma's and we all end up there for dinner. When you were here, Dad would bring you. This time it was just him. This was the first one without you. I felt like people were watching me, not a stalker or whatever. I mean my kids, hubs, in-laws, etc. Watching to see if I was going to break down, blow up or just lose my shit and run away. (I have wanted to do the latter many, too many times.) Feeling everyones eyes on me, I kept it together, tried to joke around and be normal...normal for me anyways. Well, I pulled it off. None of the voices revealed themselves that day, lol.

Second, I am trying to deal with all my irrational fears. I have too many to list, so we will stick with just one for today. Lately, I have been terrified something is wrong with me, physically. I already know I am a wreck emotionally, we can unpack that at a different time, or maybe further down this letter. Who knows. Anywho, I am terrified I have cancer or another terminal disease. I don't feel sick. Just like there is something brewing inside me and one day in the near future I am going to have to go to the doctor and they will tell me I am dying. And then my mind goes further. What will happen to the kids? To Hubs? To my dad? Will they miss me? Will they cry? Who will get the kids from A to B to C then back to A? Who will make them dinner? Ridiculous, I know. But the stupid little voice in my head keeps coming up with these things and for some reason I listen. Then my mood usually goes to shit, and I take it out on whoever talks to me for the rest of the day. Ahhhhhh! It is a never ending cycle.

Another irrational fear that keeps creeping up, what if I get Alzheimers? There are tests I can ask for to find out if I have the gene or whatever. Thing is I don't know if I want to find out. Then the little voice opens it's big mouth again telling me to find out so I can prepare myself and my family for it. However, there is another voice telling me to keep going. Don't stop, keep making the memories. I try to listen to the second voice more.

Third, I have to start this baking business. I have all the tools, but just can't seem to bring myself to do it. This goes back to another one of my irrational fears. Fear of failing. I am afraid people won't like what I bake and then everyone will hate me, including my family and friends. I will become the person everyone talks about and then laugh, feel bad for, or hate.

I have to find a way to push through. I wish you were here. I wish I would've started this before the diagnosis. Before I got into this funk, being depressed every day and having to try to hide it. You would encourage me, smack around (not literally), tell me to get off my ass and do what needs to be done. Even after the diagnosis when you tried whatever I baked, your eyes lit up and I knew you loved it.

I am so afraid of failing my family. I feel I already have in some ways. I want so many things, a bigger house, a store front etc. I want my kids to not want for anything. I want all the bills paid. I want, I want, I want... But am not doing anything to make my "wants" a reality. wtf is wrong with me?

I just want to talk to you. For you to tell me everything will be ok. Why did this happen to you? Why you? You were the most amazing woman ever. Loved without question. You were always there for us. Now what?

I will get past my fears, someday. Find someone to talk to, someday. Just not today.

Love,

Your daughter

#alzsucks #alzheimers #dementia #youarenotalone