Love Sucks

Hey mom.

You know what sucks? Love. Love sucks.

Today is your 47th wedding anniversary. 47 years of "for better, for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health". Sickness. I used to think that meant a cold, flu or the worst one I could come up with was cancer. Nope. I never, ever thought it would be Alzheimers. Watching the person you pledged those vows to disappear right in front of you. Then having to care for that person every minute of every day. Watching them to make sure they don't stray too far, holding their hand maybe a little too tightly walking through a crowded grocery, having to clean them up after not making it to the bathroom in time like a toddler during potty training.

See, love sucks. I don't know what I will do if that happens to my husband. Will I be able to care for him? watch him slowly leave? I don't know. Dad did. He loved you so much, he kept you with him. He didn't even consider sending you to a memory care facility. In the months before he did let you go to "daycare" a couple of times a week, just so he could get things done around the house, run errands etc. I think it helped him. Knowing you were somewhere safe, giving him some time to breathe maybe even relax. But I also know he never stopped worrying about what you were doing, if you were ok without him. Even though your mind was gone you still knew who he was. When seeing him, your face beamed. Your smile was biggest when he was around you. Your faculties gone, but your love for him remained. Never faltered. Never wavered in any way. Neither did his love for you.

You'd also smile when I showed up. Walking, or shuffling, as quick as you could my way to give me a hug. I did hug you back, but I should've hugged you harder. I should've held on longer. Fuck. Why do I feel this way. Why do I always think of the things I should've done. The shoulda, coulda, woulda things. Why can't I just live more in the moments and memories of the good times. I do think of those times, but not long enough. I tend to go right to the bad angry side of it all. Ugh. Back to "love"...

47 years you and dad were together. If you weren't together you knew where the other one was. And when you were together, you'd be holding his hand. I remember you two holding hands a lot, and kissing. Ick. It was like watching a couple of teens in a new relationship. I remember being embarrassed when my friends would talk about it. I'd shrug it off and try to change the subject. I mean really mom, you guys were kinda gross. But you loved each other so much, I can not deny that.

The way your face lit up when you saw dad, was stunning. Your eyes literally sparkling, like the romantic movies I like to watch. When the man and woman see each other across a crowded room, one or both of them realizing they see the person of their dreams and everything else fades away, becomes muffled and all they see is each other. So romantic. Gives me chills watching it in the movies...however watching you two...gross. I mean you are my parents. Get a room.

All that love crap to say, dad misses you. He is lonely without you. I had lunch with him today. He was really sad. It is the first anniversary you're not here. I tried my best to distract him. Showing him my silly texts to my kids, and other anecdotes, but it didn't work. We ate our food and then he said he wanted to go home. I didn't push it, just told him I'd come by tomorrow to pick him up for a errand or two. He agreed and we parted ways.

There have been a lot of firsts the past few months. But I can see this one really got to him. Hence why love sucks. You love someone so hard for so long, it's difficult to see anything else other than your spouse, your person, your soulmate is gone and you are all alone.

How do I help him? I only want others around me to be happy, so what can I do for him. I am the reason you two got married... How can my being around help him? I am a constant reminder of you. I don't know if me being near him makes him think of you. Most likely I am overthinking, like I always do. He tells me he is lonely and bored. I encourage him to do things. For instance, there are quite a few clubs in the community he is living in now. He does go to a couple of those. And on his daily walks he meets people. But he is still lonely.

He will be getting a roommate soon. Another widower at church, you probably know him. He is a bit older, lives alone, no family near by. Dad being the good man he is, asked him to move in with him so they could not be alone together, and the man said yes. However, the man (I am forgetting his name at the moment) seems to be dragging his feet a little bit. I recommended dad push him a little, by offering to help him pack, etc. We will see what happens. I hope it works out, for both of them.

Well, I am exhausted and need to go to bed. Busy, busy Mom life, lol.

In Solitude,

Your Daughter

#alzsucks #alzheimers #dementia #youarenotalone #lovesucks