Failure

Dear Mom,

I find my procrastinating has gotten too good. So many things needing to get done. Dishes in the sink, dust bunnies lining the floors and under furniture, bathrooms need cleaning, lawn needs mowing, bedroom needs to be picked up, etc. So many mundane chores no one wants to do. Especially me.

I usually find an excuse to not do them. Like my morning errands took too long, really they didn't. I am usually home before lunch, which I will eat then get tired and tell myself I have to lay down. Or I need to take the dog for a walk, only takes 20 minutes, then I get on my phone and keep saying to myself "one more game" till it is noon, then I think I am tired and have to lay down. Or after getting the kids off to school, I turn on whatever show I am currently binging, get on my phone and well I think you get the drift. So yeah, the excuse I use the most is, I'm tired. So, I lay down and eventually fall asleep after again, playing on my phone for a long time.

It is a vicious cycle. I try, or at least I think I am trying, to break the pattern. We just had Christmas a couple of weeks ago, and I was super busy with the kids and making treats to sell. I did good during that time. I only laid down maybe half of those days. The kids are back in school today, fingers crossed I will not lay down. So, far, I haven't.

Here is the problem with my creating these sequences. If I don't do anything productive, something to better the house and family, I feel like a failure. Now, if I were to say that to family or friends they would say "no you're not" etc...whatever. I am. It is how I feel. They can't tell me I'm not. I didn't do anything.

In my head, I am a failure. Not writing my book, failure. Not losing weight by eating crap, failure. Not baking something, failure. Not posting/advertising, failure. Not having a job, failure. Not doing the laundry, failure. Not cleaning the house, failure. Not doing the dishes, failure. I am stuck in this 'failure' mode and just can't seem to get out of it.

When I actually have a industrious day, I feel so much better. My mood is fun, I laugh with the girls, make jokes with my husband, etc. And then I go to bed feeling like I accomplished something so now I can be rewarded with rest. After a good day like that, I am usually exhausted so sleep comes easier.

Maybe I am not trying hard enough, actually I know I am not trying hard enough. I know if I did the crap I am supposed to, I would feel better, but I don't. Well, I am going to try to get out of this brutal routine...tomorrow. Just kidding. TODAY. I have to. For my own well being. For my family.

I am going to eat better. I am going to sit down and write. I am going to do laundry. I have to do the dishes, that is a no brainer. I am going to find a recipe, gather the ingredients, and bake something. I am going to get on social media and share current baked goods. Granted that takes time so I might not get to the baking today. But this week for sure.

In the next day or two I will let you know how I did. Hopefully it will be a good report. lol

I love you mom, and miss you everyday. I wish you were here to encourage me. To push me forward. I think

of all the things you were able to do in your life and hope I can fulfill the dreams you had for me. I long to fulfill the dreams I have for myself. But it isn't going to drop in my lap. So here is to less 'failures' and more advantageous days.

Love always,

Your daughter

#alzsucks #alzheimers #dementia #youarenotalone