Happy Birthday

Mom,

Yesterday was your birthday. You would have turned 66. I didn't even realize it till the night before. I had been working on a puzzle for hours. I looked at my watch and it was 1:30 in the morning. I chuckled to myself because I do that. I get so involved in puzzles that I can't stop. After telling myself I should get some sleep because I had to wake up early for a soccer game, I thought about what the date was. Yep, it was your birthday. As I went to sleep I hoped I wondered how I would be when I woke up.

About 5 hours later I laid there waiting for my alarm to go off. I was surprised by how calm I was. My alarm went off so I got up and ready for the day. I needed to make some muffin tops before C's game and get her and everything packed up and ready to leave. Plus I had to get gas before so I wouldn't have to rush around. I brushed my hair and teeth, put on deodorant, and made sure to put on both of your necklaces. I don't know why I hadn't worn the guitar one yet.

After making the muffin tops I packed up the car. While doing that A decided to eat two of the six mini muffin tops I made. I tried asking her why but she gave me lip and walked away. I flipped out. I became so enraged with her. I stomped towards the girls hallway. She came around the corner and I raised my fists. I wasn't going to hit her, I was just so fucking mad. "What the hell gives you the right to talk to me like that?! What is wrong with you?!!" I yelled. Then stormed out of the house making sure to slam the front door so the entire house shook.

In the short walk from the house to my car, I had already started balling. I got in and started it as quick as I could, then sped off before anyone could stop me. I cried the whole way to the gas station, while I was pumping gas and had to pull over so I wouldn't get in an accident. I was so upset. Mostly at myself for letting my emotions boil over. She didn't know I wanted to take them to the game.

When I was able to control my tears I finally went home, grabbed C and left for the game, without saying a word to anyone. I tried so hard to keep my emotions in check at the game. I sat away from everyone, tried to keep talking to other parents to a minimum. During the game C scored a goal! And they won! It was such a great game. Just what they needed to boost their morale...and me. After the game the hubs gave me a hug, I told him I was having difficulties, which he understood.

I drove dad home, not telling him what was going on. He was told later what was going on when I didn't show up for lunch. There was no way I could "people".

It was a harder day than I thought it would be. I can't seem to get you out of my head. It has been over six months since you passed. And even when you were still alive you weren't "here". I keep beating myself up with guilt and regret. I tend to eat my feelings, which is why I have gained 20 pounds, so I beat myself up about that too.

I don't know, I just don't know what to do. I want to talk to you. I want you to hug me. I want what happened with the Dementia to not have happened. I want my mom. But I can't have you back. So, what am I supposed to do? How do I get past this? How do I move on? What do I do? I keep telling myself I will. But when? This grief is affecting me too much. It hurts so bad. My heart hurts.

I don't have anything else. Everything is shit. And I am not doing anything about it. I...I just don't know anymore.

This is the point in the conversation where I would walk away...

Painfully,

Your daughter

#alzsucks #alzheimers #dementia #youarenotalone