Heartless Moments
Hey Mom,
I have been having more bad days than good ones lately. I keep getting mad at anyone who is talking, singing or just being in my general vicinity. For instance, right now. Today the older two came home and were singing or talking on their phones right away. I didn't say anything, didn't tell them to stop because I understood they were just getting home and needed to make all the noises they couldn't while in school. I put on my headphones and continued doing the decals I was working on for dad. I did good. I am actually proud of myself for not yelling and losing my shit for no reason.
Yesterday, however, I made #2 cry twice in the span of an hour. Yelled at #1 and #2 quite a few times. I cried when the hubs called telling me he was on his way home. I told him I felt like I kept making mistake after mistake, I couldn't do anything right and I was done talking for the night because it was making everyone upset. I was either yelling or thinking about yelling from when the kids got home till I fell asleep. I told #3 it was best if we all went to sleep and started over in the morning. Then I had to explain it to her because she didn't understand.
Thing is, it is so quiet when no one is here. I tend to get lost in the quiet, and the day runs away from me. Which I then don't get much done which upsets me, because there is so much I should be doing, so when everyone starts coming home I am mad at myself and take it out on them. But not yesterday. I was able to do 5 loads of laundry and put it all away. Amazing, I know. Yet, somehow I lost control of my self.
I have been trying to figure out what happened to me yesterday and I believe I have found the reason for my uncontrollable rage. Before everyone started streaming in I had taken my first picture in the series of photos for Alzheimer's/Dementia called "Where is my Marble?" Working on that project has me thinking about you more than usual. I have come up with so many ideas on what to photograph, what it would mean for you. For instance, the picture I took yesterday had sheet music from a famous deceased composer. Since you got your PHd in Music Theory, I thought it was a great idea to start my project. Plus, it is one of my all time favorite pieces.
Why does thinking of you make me treat others so cruelly? Is this still part of the grieving process? If it is I don't like it. If it isn't, then wtf. Either way, what am I supposed to do? I am so, idk. Sad, depressed, lonely, mad at the world. When will things get better? When will my mind and head be at peace? When will I stop being so angry at myself? When will I get off my ass and do something about it? I don't know anymore mom, I just don't know.
Love,
Your daughter
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