One Year Later
Hey Mom,
It has been one year since you left us, and I am still at a loss.
I am having a hard time finding any words today. I have written then deleted about three times now. I'm just not myself, not happy. I still put a smile on my face and fake it as best I can. I have to force myself and kids to go out, hang with friends or just get out of the house.
I know I have reverted back to feeling they was I did when you were still here. Just kinda blah. Then I get reminded of all the chores that needs to done or the fact I am not bringing in any money. It's all on the hubs. I feel worse seeing the stress he is carrying. Then I tell myself I will be better...tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I make excuses. It's a difficult spiral I keep putting myself in. I don't know what to do anymore.
Lately, I have had this question in the back of my mind. Have I been grieving since you were diagnosed? I did a lot of crying in my car, or alone in my room. I am not good dealing with my own emotions. I keep it all in till it inevitably escapes, usually in a fit of rage towards someone I love. I am an awful person.
At that time I had a good friend, best friend, who told me something I will never forget. "You are watching your mom slowly leave in front of you". It still haunts me thinking about it. While it is true, I wish they would have said something else, anything else. They were so matter of fact, emotionless. Thinking about it now, maybe that is when our friendship began deteriorating. Story for another time.
I wish my friend would have told me to spend more time with you. Hug you more. Instead, I pushed you away so I wouldn't have to watch you disappear in front of me. Dad had to, all by himself. I am now feeling absolutely shattered. Why? Why did I do that? My kids saw what I was doing. Is this how they will be if or when it happens to me? The other part of that is, would I want my kids to watch me disappear? Nope. Then there is another part. I could have made more memories. Taken more pictures. Taken extra days off work to go to the beach, park, or wherever. I should have created more moments, more memories for myself and my children with you.
In shutting you out I made it worse. I shut you out of everything. I made sure you couldn't drive any more, which meant you couldn't watch my kids any more. So in one fell swoop, I took away your freedom and your grandchildren. Which basically told you I didn't trust you to be around my kids, or (for obvious reasons) on the roads. How horrible that feeling must have been for you. I am so sorry. 😞 I have so many regrets because of what I did.
My only hope now is to show my kids how to be better. How to treat family, friends and strangers. By being there, showing up when a friend is going through a difficult time. A shoulder to lean or cry on. Hugging family or friends whenever I see them, even though I don't like to. Listening to a group conversation and adding to it when needed. Saying hello or smiling at a complete stranger. I think I try harder at that last one. Especially when at the grocery store, pumping gas or whatever shopping I am doing.
So far I think it is working. However, I can tell when they are being fake, lol.
Love,
Your daughter
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